Last night, I recognized someone at a restaurant (nay, a draught emporium!) while I was out with some friends.
She was wearing a feather that protruded from a head of dark, curly hair, and she was very animated. These were my clues. I knew I had seen her before, even though all I could discern last night were her characteristic hand motions and what I had approximated the back of her head would look like (These are the kinds of things I note when I meet someone).
We had been on a date before. Two dates! Recently!
I quickly realized that I was witnessing her on a date with another person. This was all completely fine, but I’m a crazy person so I scrolled through my text chain with her in which we had been sort of planning a third date.
Well, the planning had fizzled.
Well, alright, she wasn’t interested in a third date and she had communicated as much in the text chain’s most up-to-date entry.
It was all very polite and entirely predicted. I suspected that she had cut our second date short, but nothing was conclusive (except to a rational human being). I did what I thought courteous and extended an invite for a third “hangout.”
The thing is, two mediocre dates don’t amount to expectations of anything exciting.
Still, something about seeing her out on a date and not abruptly seeking an exit made me think about EVERYTHING and contemplate ordering a few more drinks in addition to the one I’d already finished. Her body language with this person was very positive, and she was also doing a 100% smile which made me retroactively identify the 75% smiles she had been giving me on our two dates. I was probably showing 0% enthusiasm on those dates, though, so who could blame her?
Most dates are bad. Well, they seem set up to be bad. They’re awkward but they can have their charms. They can also be amazing. At 26, I already feel exhausted with the pursuit of something special (or the pursuit of anything but a good night’s sleep).
Seeing the antithesis of my experience with this person play out in front of me sent me into a tiny “What if?” spiral (Antithesis might be a strong word. Our dates were somewhat pleasant but just not memorable in that particular, sustainable way).
My spiral went like this:
What if we had met organically and not online?
Oh yes, we met online. She was my “last first last ever” OKCupid date on a day when I felt like I was above the internet. This happens every few weeks until I inevitably I get bored/anxious about dying alone again. Mostly that feeling is just privileged crankiness.
What if I didn’t show my true self when we went out?
You know, as opposed to my manufactured alter-ego with a completely different personality.
What if I had texted her back and tried to be friends?
I never responded to her date #3 decline, and I felt a tiny bit of guilt over that (because things that are non-concerns frequently stop me in my tracks). I would have gladly sent a friendly message if there seemed to be any basis for compatibility in a person-to-person sense. There was 0, and we had honestly just both moved on. I feel like I never really move on from anyone/anything, but that’s a topic for another whiny essay.
Keep in mind that I’m taking about two mildly interesting dates over the course of two weeks planned via several rigid, business-like texts.
Translation: Keep in mind that I am a crazy person.
What if what I’m seeing isn’t even a date?
It was totally a date.
What if I just focused on this moment and enjoyed the company of my friends?
That snapped me out of it. That grounded me and made me realize that I had indeed made peace with all these quandaries and that all I wanted to do was converse with people and do some of that “being present” stuff that gets you universe points.
I’m content, but I’m also an over-thinker. Dating will be complicated until it isn’t. I’m grateful to know what genuine interest and romance feel like, because it helps me shake off feelings of doubt like the ones I felt last night. If enough time passes without the presence of certain things in your life, you can stop believing in the potential for their existence. I think that’s why it’s important to focus on the things you do have and the moments of joy you feel.
But what if I had texted her back, though?
Originally posted on my old blog, Nick vs. the Blog · More from my writing archive